This is unreal. I wasnt planning on writing about this, but i have to.
As many of you know, these past couple weeks have been the most difficult of my life. I still to this point, do not have any clue what is going on, or why this is happening…. well on second thought…. i do.
While on the crosswalk tour, i grew significantly spiritually and mentally. I really feel like I am a better person now than I was when i left. But ive come to realize, that doesnt mean the devil cant continue to pick at you.
The devil has had a ridiculous hold on me these past couple weeks. The weird thing is, i havent particularly done anything wrong. In fact, i feel like ive been doing almost everything right. The problem is, after growing so much on this trip, i should have been ready to come back and share my experience and use it as a tool to witness. After all, i saw some INCREDIBLE things… even some things i had never seen before. Instead, I had the biggest curveball of my life thrown at me. Im not going to get into that story right now. A lot of you know all about it anyways. I have been an absolute wreck the past couple weeks and because of that, I havent been witnessing and I am yet to tell ANYONE about my trip. Thats awful i know. Instead, ive been telling everyone and anyone who will listen about this curveball thrown at me. Actually, it wasnt a curveball. It was a 104 mph fastball that hit me square in the face. Literally the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.
The devil has been kidnapping some of the people that i care about the most in order to get to me. He will make people do things that are completely out of character in order to hurt you and distract you. He did this to me. He doesnt like the changes that have been happening in my life. He will do everything is his power to stop it. I have been an absolute wreck. I have been completely distracted from my entire purpose on this earth because of my situation. I have all these mental images in my head. I tell myself, if i dont step in and do this, or say this, then “this” (meaning the mental images in my head…) will happen.
Thats just not true. Doing the things and saying the things i feel i need to, in other words not providing space, only make things worse. It seems the devils favorite way to ruin a God centered relationship, or a relationship that is well on its way to being God centered is to add a 3rd person. Its happened to both parties now. The devil isnt a complete idiot i guess. He knows the changes I have made, and he does not want to see this work out. He wants us both to hurt. I hope im not giving away too much. Im trying to respect the privacy of everyone involved, but i had to get this out and share it.
God’s timing is perfect, but that doesnt mean the devil cant have good timing if you let him. He threw this fastball at my face just as i was heading home ready to completely refocus everything around my Savior. I was literally healed of some of the things I had been struggling with. It was incredible.
In closing, what ive learned tonight is that i have to not worry about it. Some people reading this may not be believers and thats fine, but i believe with everything in me that ALL i need is JESUS. Im not going to hurt forever. Im not going to let the devil win. And because of everything that ive said, if we give up on this, then the devil has won…. and im not going to let the devil win. not on my watch. unfortunately, ive done everything i can do at this point. All thats left is to give it to God, and I think im finally learning how to do that. I have to stay focused on being the right person, and making sure that I’m doing what is right. I cant keep worrying about what other people are doing. If someone does something that hurts me, chances are it will hurt them way worse in the long run.
This may have made zero sense to some of you. But thats ok. I really didnt go into detail at all as to what is going on. If you are a believer, just know that all you need is the love and peace of Jesus. I feel like thats why all of this has happened. I just needed to realize that. Hopefully ill eventually get what I want, but maybe i wont. Living with that thought is extremely difficult. Its not what I want, but its what God wants that matters. I know that whatever He has in store for me is going to be OFF THE CHAIN!!!! It blows my mind to think about that at this point though. I literally cannot wrap my mind around it. I just need patience.